strange tales of remnant
by Aravas
Summary: Various short stories mostly based on things I found on the internet, mostly tumblr. Will contain NSFW, proceed with caution. Most recent chapter: Jaune gets drunk and does a thing.
1. Chapter 1: unexpected pop-up

**Hello there!**

**You might ask: Where the hell is "For want of a knight"? **

**Well, writer's block is a bitch, for one.**

**Two, I kinda felt like doing this on the side, helping with creativity. Updates whenever.**

**So, here you go!**

**Do note that you will be forewarned about NSFW content at the start of each chapter.**

**Inspired by: random post on tumblr**

**Enjoy!**

Strange tales of Remnant

Chapter 1: An unexpected pop-up

It was a nice, calm Saturday morning at Beacon academy. Most students were busy lazing about. One such student was Jaune Arc, leader of Team JNPR. His team was out someplace else; Ren and Nora being off to satisfy Nora's cravings for pancakes and Pyrrha, his partner, on a meeting with her agent.

He would have asked Team RWBY to hang, but they, unfortunately, were indisposed themselves. The girls were off to Vale, exploring the city without the need to fight a known criminal or the White Fang.

Jaune could respect that. He also could have gone to Vale as well, or just play tagalong with Team Sloth. He did, hoewever, decide on some 'me-time' instead.

Against the suspicions of the bubbly ginger, that was not code for masturbation. It was code for 'laying about on the scroll doing fuck all'.

Yup, that was the reason.

So there the blonde goof was, lying on his bed, playing on his scroll, watching funny videos. Then a pop-up, the bane of the ScrollNet, appeared on his screen. Whoever came up with that idea deserved a firing squad.

That opinion was shared by absolutely everyone. Including Ozpin, who famously raged over not needing those overpriced 'penis-enhancement pills' one particular pop-up ad wanted to sell him.

The pop-up that was pestering Jaune right now seemed to be famous for being everywhere, despite obviously belonging on a porn site.

**'Hot MILFs in your area!'**

Yeah, right.

With an amused smirk, the blonde knight hit 'close' on the ad and carried on with watching cat videos.

Then there it was again.

Except this time, it was different.

**'Hot MILFs tracking your scent!'**

Excuse me, what?

"Am I being pranked?"

Jaune was certain that this was a prank by either Yang or Nora. Though he was kind of impressed as to how they must have prepared for this. How exactly they gathered the know-how was a mystery by itself. Then again, Weiss could be in on this.

Could she?

Nah, she was not the type for pranks.

Closing the ad again, Jaune decided to ignore the oddly pestering thing alongside the niggling feeling in his brain that he should get out of there ASAP.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear…

**'Hot MILFs approaching your dorm!'**

What the hell was going on?

"This is not funny, Yang, Nora!" Jaune felt the need to yell out. "I am not falling for this! How dumb do you think I am?" He hoped that they would not answer that. His ego and sense of self-worth was low enough as it is.

A knock at the door caught his attention.

Feeling the need to check his scroll again to see if the wise-cracking ad was there again…

**'RUN'**

Well that is not ominous at all.

As he made to close the annoying thing again, the door's lock broke open.

Jaune was fairly certain that he was seeing relatives of three of the members of Team RWBY. Seriously, they all looked like slightly older versions of the girls!

One looked like Yang, except with red eyes, long black hair instead of blonde and wearing what looked like a katana in a strange sheath on her hip. She herself was clad in a kimono, Mistrali style.

One other looked like Blake, yet held a livelier expression, wore a fancy black and white dress and had kitty ears on the top of her head, her hair cut shorter than Blake's.

If she was related to Blake, it would confirm a theory of his. Bows do not twitch by themselves, after all.

He did have to note that the two already seemed shapelier than Yang and Blake, which definitely meant something regarding the buxom brawler and the owner of the famed Bellabooty.

The third of the group looked definitely like Weiss, judging by the eyes and hair. However, that was about it with the resemblance. This woman hefted a large bust and obviously shapely hips, accentuated by the fancy dress suit in blue and white she wore.

Most notably of all was the strange look in their eyes, directed solely at him.

"Hello there," greeted the faunus woman. "Very nice to meet you."

"Erm, likewise?" Jaune was taken aback. The stare they gave him was _definitely _predatory, and not in the 'kill you and eat your corpse' way.

No, most definitely not.

"You kinda look familiar." He had to breach that topic, seeing as it he was curious about the resemblance.

"You know our daughters, young one," the raven-haired woman said, her voice deep and husky.

Jaune blinked. "Your _daughters_? You look barely over twenty-two!"

That had them all giggling. "My, what a charmer. I hope we can have some fun."

"Fun?"

"Oh yes." Yang's mom strode forward as the white haired woman closed the door. "We are here for some fun and stress relief. And you are gonna help us with both."

"How so."

"Simple," Weiss' mother strode forward, undoing the bun that had kept her hair together, now strewn about, giving her the angelic appearance he saw in Weiss.

Except amplified by a killer body and, judging by the look she gave, _most definitely _interested in him.

"Just lie down, sweetheart."

"But why?"

"Do it," the sweet voice of Blake's mother intoned, making him oblige as he laid his scroll by his bedside.

She strode forward licking her lips. "You, sweetheart, are gonna help us with our frustrations."

Yang's mother walked alongside her until she came to Jaune's bed, kneeling down on it, her sword now discarded. "You are gonna help us with all of our stress, make us forget our regrets."

Now Weiss' mom was approaching him from the other side, opposite of Mrs Belladonna. "I do hope that you are gonna make us alive again. If the photos are an inclination, you are gifted enough to at least warrant a try." She bit her lip.

Now Jaune was panicking. "Hold on! Pictures? Where? How?!"

Mrs Schnee smirked. "I may have decided to spy on you after reading about you in the letters my daughter sends. They usually reach her eldest first, though our butler saw fit to show me as well."

The raven-haired savage beauty was crawling on all fours towards him, now barely a foot was separating their faces. Pure lust was visible on all three of their faces.

"Let's hope that your stamina lasts, big boy," she purred, grabbing his crotch gently.

"You are gonna be here for a while~" 

Saturday evening proved to be a little less relaxed than Saturday morning, namely by to voices screaming at someone.

Jaune Arc did not expect things to turn out that way. He was basking in the afterglow and the knowledge that he not only lasted that long overall – mind you, he hit his climax more than once throughout – but also the fact that he satisfied _three_ experienced hot-as-hell women with _multiple times_ his climax count by virtue of learning really fast and, apparently, having a big dick.

He did not really have a reference back then.

So there he was, enjoying the feel of naked, sweaty bodies pressed against his, Willow whispering how she wants him to help overthrow her despised husband and monster of a father, Raven dozing off on his chest while Kali was purring in his ear, as the door opened once more for the first time in a few hours.

It was hell. Pyrrha fainted, Nora ran away screaming and hollering about how everyone but Ren could suck it 'cause her Fearless Leader is a stud – bless her – and Yang and Weiss were predictably screaming unholy hell as Blake was, for some reason, blushing furiously.

Also Ruby ran away as well, screaming about filth.

The mothers were either led or dragged away, with bathrobes cloaking their exposed forms as Jaune still laid there, a variety of sensations still lingering.

He was sweaty, the sheets felt nice against bare skin and his bed reeked of sex.

Not how Jaune Arc had imagined his Saturday, but he can't complain, now can he.

Ren, his brother from another mother, had seemed indifferent as usual by all of this happening, perhaps numbed to it thanks to years of Nora. Now he was handing his leader a water bottle, feeling like he needed it.

"Thanks," croaked the blonde. "So, what's the situation right now?"

Ren looked at him, raised an eyebrow and gave a rare smirk. "Yang is yelling at her mother, Weiss is screaming at hers, Pyrrha is still out and Blake is...interviewing her mother, I believe." 

"He is actually bigger than your father Ghira, bless his soul in heaven. Also, he got all my weak spots down in seconds, as if he acted on instinct. Really, kitten, here I am getting myself a younger lover and you found no one yet? Better step up your game, though I could bring myself to share~" 

Jaune blinked, deciding not to question it. "What about Nora?"

"Off telling the school about how you apparently had sex with three grown women." Ren looked to the door. "Something tells me that half the school won't believe it. Some won't believe it even with proof."

"Gee, thanks." Not like Jaune had much of a reputation, anyway.

"What matters is the actual truth here. And the truth is..."

The ninja held out a fist. "You had sex with three MILFs."

the knight couldn't help but laugh. "I had sex with three MILFs."

The brofist they shared was barely proof of their true friendship, that they were already brothers in all but blood. Still, it was the sign of acknowledgement.

The sign of congratulating a champion.

"By the way, do you think any of them would even be looking for a serious relationship with you?"

"Well, Willow, Weiss' mom, wants me to help get rid of her abusive husband. She told me that she found me 'making love' to her rather than just fucking her strange at first, but then she wanted it the same way again and said she never felt this alive."

"Oh, that is actually rather sweet."

"And Kali, Blake's mom, wanted me to knock her up."

Ren looked in genuine surprise to Jaune, who couldn't help but smirked at him.

"So how was your Saturday?"


	2. Chapter 2: keepaway with the family

**This fic ain't dead!**

**This chapter will be based on an oddly popular phenomenon involving sisters.**

**Oh yes, this chapter will be a weird one.**

**Also, Jaune's sisters here will be crossover characters.**

**Why, you ask?**

**'Cause I felt like it.**

**Also, I heard about a certain upcoming scene in V7 potentially involving Mrs Schnee.**

**If you have noticed odd lights in the sky, that was probably my eyes flaring up and shining across earth.**

**You get _no _guesses who is gonna be the first guy to write a fic with the ship I shall cristen "Light-thawed".**

**8D**

**Enjoy!**

Strange tales of Remnant

Chapter 2: Keepaway with the family

It was a peaceful day at Beacon Academy…

"Shit shit shit!"

Or not.

"Fearless Leader," Nora spoke up. "What's going on?"

Jaune was carrying around a letter in his hands while pacing around the room. It didn't seem like one sent from an official or anything, which begged the question what was in it, and from whom did it come. The postal system was rarely used nowadays for letters, as scrolls and the CCT were more prevalent for communications.

Whatever the letter was about, Jaune was panicking over it, which upset Pyrrha and made his team in general increasingly nervous.

"I need to hide! I need to run!"

"Jaune," Ren interrupted. "Please tell us what's wrong. We're getting nervous just by watching you."

The leader of Team JNPR halted, taking a few breaths.

"My family's visiting."

That dumbfounded the rest of the team. Nora sounded lost. "That's it?"

"You don't understand!" Jaune picked up again. "They can't see me! If they do..." He shuddered. That was when the team understood. The blonde noodle was scared of facing his family again after so long. He had mentioned that he ran away from home against their objections to attend Beacon. Their presence here could very well mean that they wanted to drag him home by force.

This would not stand! Pyrrha had yet to garner the courage to confess, Ren and Nora wanted Arkos to set sail and their team would shatter!

Also Ozpin would object.

Probably.

Hopefully.

"I gotta hide!"

"Nope!" said Nora. "You should face them, look them in the eye," -she gave her best impression of a stink-eye- "and say 'I'm staying!'."

Jaune wanted to hug her because her heart was in the right place, despite the fact that this wouldn't work. "I wish that would work, but you don't know them," he whimpered as he opened the door to the dorm. "Sorry, but I'm hiding someplace."

"Where?" Pyrrha wanted to know, more worried than ever.

"Can't tell you," was the reply. "If they get me, I'm done for. And they could get me if I tell you. Not that I don't trust you!" he immediately amended. "But Nora can't keep a secret and you, Pyrrha, break in when someone pushes you enough."

The champion winced and had to concede the point, as did Nora, who bashfully scratched her head.

And thus the knight ran away, observed by a rather confused red reaper. "Jaune?" she asked in confusion as he started to reach the same speed of her semblance. Curious and worried, Ruby made to follow him.

/-/

Yang Xiao Long was lazing about in her room all on her own. Her sister should return from her food run any moment now, and both Weiss and Blake were off to the library, each gathering their own variety of books. Training was done for the day, and the blonde felt like lazing about.

It was then that Yang heard knocking.

"One moment," she yelled out, thinking it was someone from Team JNPR. Maybe the lovesick knight again? Or did Ruby forget her scroll?

More knocking, though it confused the blonde this time. The sound didn't seem to be from knocking on wood but rather...glass?

Why glass?

Yang turned around and recoiled in genuine surprise. There was someone knocking on her window! Just an arm sticking out and knocking! Why?!

She quickly opened the window to give the would-be intruder a piece of her mind. A small bit of blonde hair stuck out from under the window, cluing Yang in on the identity of the intruder. They didn't seem like someone Yang knew, since she was blonde and Yang knew exactly two other blondes in this school. One would not do so in a million years and the other would have a very good reason to do so, unless he was reaching a dangerous level of persistent.

"Right," started Yang, only to be blindsided by the intruder just rolling into her room.

"Jaune!"

Okay, what? She got the wrong room, then. But why would she invade through the window?

"Err, no?" Yang spoke up and the intruder turned to face her. Both had to blink twice before observing each other more closely. To both of them, it was like looking into a mirror.

"Similar hair," they both said, briefly touching it. Yang's was a mane, while the other blonde's was cut short save for two long bangs framing her face and reaching down to her chest.

"Same style," both exclaimed, raising their muscular arms, trained from boxing and, in the invader's case, wrapped in gloves.

"Same size," both finished the comparison, grabbing their breasts for emphasis.

Yang started to grin. "Well, I'll be. It's like looking in a mirror."

The other smiled at her. "Same here, safe for the eyes." The other's were a mix of green and yellow. "Kinda freaky."

The other clapped her hands. "Though I digress here. I'm looking for my li'l bro. You know where he is?"

The blonde boxer blinked at her again. "Wrong dorm, Jaune's sister." She had connected the dots. "His is opposite of here."

"Right, thanks!" The other tore the door open hastily to withdraw. "Hold it, what's your name anyway? Mine's Yang!" Yang called after her.

The other blonde started to knock at the dorm "Leone Arc!" She called behind her briefly, before turning back around to the door and starting to take two steps back.

Just as Yang's suspicions were about to be confirmed and Leone was going to kick the door in, it opened to reveal yet another blonde, taller than the other, with her hair in a ponytail and the same blue eyes as the dork knight.

"Wrong dorm, Leone," the other blonde stated. "Jaune ran off."

"Dammit!" Leone cursed before sighing. "Ah, Jaune is getting better at hide-and-seek."

"As much as a pain it is," her apparent sister grumbled. "Beacon is huge, and he had lots of time familiarizing himself with the layout. Finding him will take time."

"I'm sorry," the voice of a certain redhead champion rang out. "Why are you chasing my partner?"

Yang immediately saw that Pyrrha made some form of mistake, since both women turned to her with a fierce glare. "Partner?" Leone repeated. "You say you're his..._partner_?" The last word was spoken with incredible hostility, making everyone wonder if they were that protective of their little brother.

"Nora made to defuse the whole situation. "Yeppers!" she called out. "And Rennie is my partner. Everyone in Beacon is supposed to have one! And Fearless Leader is a good partner to Pyr-Pyr!"

The taller blonde squinted at the hammer wielder. "And is she a good partner to him?"

"I am! We train together and I help him with a lot of things!"

"Expecting something in return?"

A blush. "Well..."

"Samus," Leone interrupted. "We don't have time for this. Where's Angela?"

Samus rolled her eyes. "You know her. Scouring the school like a madwoman. Now come, we have to find our brother."

'_Like you aren't the same kind of madwomen!_' more than one other person thought.

When the blondes ran off, Yang spoke up once more.

"So, who wants to try and find Jaune?"

"We need to," concurred Pyrrha. "I don't know what his sisters want with him, but we need to keep him away from them!"

/-/

Not for the first time in his life, Jaune questioned where it all went to shit.

It could have something to do with the untimely death of his father when his mother was pregnant with the twins, Jaune's youngest sisters. It was a harsh time for everyone, though none took it as hard as his dear mother. She seemed vacant at times; some mornings she awoke screaming his father's name. The only son did his best to measure up as the 'man of the house' and cheer everyone up, since it would have been what Dad wanted.

That, in combination with the fact that his three older sisters had gone into puberty, with all it entailed, as well as their rise in popularity due to attractiveness became a huge problem. They always came home exhausted with all those people swarming them with several date offers. First thing they did was charge in for cuddles to 'replenish their batteries', as they called it.

That should have been the first warning.

When they got older, he got the offer to bathe together more and more often and any girl remotely interested in him was chased off. Second warning.

Then they started saying things like, 'you don't need to go anywhere, you can stay here with your dear sisters!' Which would have been normal, almost cute, by itself, were it not for the two warnings and that they tended to say it while walking around in racier and racier underwear. Third warning.

The final warning was the night before he wanted to go to Beacon. The acceptance letter had come in with the mail and was received by the sisters with mixed feelings. His younger sisters would miss him dearly, crowding around him and enveloping in a hug. His older sisters wore strained smiles and had discussed a plan that night to keep him away from Beacon.

And his mother? Well…

His process of recollection was interrupted by a chill down his spine. Jaune turned around, wondering if one of them saw him. This was bad; once one of them spotted him, it was over! They were fast, always had been. He would not be able to run any longer!

Quickly pressing himself to the wall, he tried to Metal Gear it, sneaking about. Sneaky sne-

"Where are you~?"

Nope, fate said fuck you.

Angela Arc, his oldest sister, was running to and fro in the hallway calling out his name. She was just as Jaune remembered her. A dazzling and mature hair cut, tall and mildly toned, wearing her garb as a school nurse…

And just like his other older sisters a hopeless brocon. That was the ultimate reason why he ran away a day earlier than scheduled. He overheard their plan to tie him up so he wouldn't leave and take his place as their "rightful" husband.

Yup, the life of Jaune Arc was insane.

"Hey there, good looking. What're you looking for?"

Was that Team CRDL? Were they seriously trying to pick up a girl like some sleazebags? Well it wouldn't be out of character, really…

"I'm looking for my younger brother."

Heavens, no. That was Angela's voice to a T. Jaune turned the corner to see the four asshats surrounding his oldest sister. Her fluffy pale blonde hair could vaguely remind someone of a certain Goodwitch, were it not for the much kinder expression instead of the stern one.

"Aw, really? Well, we could help you look," Sky offered, earning slight glares from his teammates.

Angela was about to answer, but spotted the part of Jaune's face that was sticking out from his hiding place.

"Jauney!"

FUCK

"Jauney!"

TRIPLE FUCK

All three older sisters of his had successfully congregated on his position and trapped him in a group hug. "Oh, we missed you so much!" Angela cooed.

"You're not running away anymore," Samus concurred.

"You did promise to become the man of the house, didn't you?" Leone purred into his ear, slowly adopting a seductive tone. "J-a-u-n-e-y?"

"Jauney? Wait, _that's _your brother?" Cardin exclaimed in incredulousness. "The weakest guy around?"

What that ginger imbecile with regular delusions of grandeur and of life as a playboy didn't realize at the moment was that all of the Arc sisters were rather protective of their only brother, even without their complex. With it, they were a force to be reckoned with.

Samus looked at the boys with barely veiled contempt. "I assure you, our brother is more man than all four of you combined."

"Damn straight!" Leone chimed in. "You haven't seen him in the shower!"

"Or perhaps they did," Angela threw in with a cheeky smile. "And they're just jealous."

"The fuck, why would we be jealous of your-"

And Jaune just knew that Cardin was signing his death warrant right about now

"-_waste-of-space_ brother?!"

Yup. Nice knowing you, asshat.

The sisters immediately got away from the hug, cracking knuckles and already organizing a festival of pain and humiliation in their heads. The idiots had the mental capacity to realize they royally screwed up, if the change of expression was anything to go by.

Jaune used the distraction and bailed the hell out of there just as Russell began screaming for help and mercy.

How ironic, Angie's nickname in her school was "Mercy". And Mercy didn't listen today.

/-/

Safety. The library was always safe. It had to be safe. It just had to be.

Jaune was certain that his sisters wouldn't look for him in here. They presumed he had an aversion towards leather-bound books and preferred comics. He would have had them know that he greatly enjoyed "War and Peace", despite being a 1400-page behemoth, but it would have effectively robbed him of a hiding place whenever his sisters became too much.

A breath.

'_No._'

Jaune just felt his heart drop out of his ass, as he felt a breath on his neck.

'_No no no._'

He forgot about one. One who knew him a little better than his sisters.

One who was snaking her arms around him this very moment as she whispered those damning words into his ear. Words that promised something, something that shouldn't be promised by her to him.

Those words, spoken with a voice he was all too familiar with.

After all, everyone recognizes their own mother…

"Ara ara~"

Even if she, in her grief for her husband, grew an unhealthy obsession with her own son.


	3. Chapter 3: A load of Schnee

**I return!**

**This is brought to you by me regaining my mojo!**

**I might be ending up uploading my various fics across platforms erratically, as variety is the spice of life. Thank Selene Sokal for inspiring me to do it this way.**

**Inspired by: The Announcement (you know the one)**

**Enjoy!**

Strange tales of Remnant

Chapter 3: A load of Schnee

aka: wow, that title came out wrong (or did it?)

Weiss quite enjoyed these days of relative calm. The most exciting thing recently was the ball at Schnee manor, to which she and Teams RWBY and JNOR had been "cordially invited." And yes, she did refuse to call them Team ORNJ.

As much as she had found him aggravating the first time they met, Weiss would now freely admit that the blonde team leader had grown on her. True, that was partially due to the fact that he had _saved her life_, but her point still stood.

Which brought her to the conundrum that plagued her mind today. Several weeks passed since she was brought back from near-death and she _still_ hadn't thanked him properly. Oh sure, she thanked him verbally, but come on! He saved her life; that was worth more than just pretty words!

Should she take him out to a proper date? She should, shouldn't she? After all those rejected advances, it would be ironic, sure. However, irony doesn't factor into repaying a life debt!

She could spin that fantasy out a little, she supposed. Yes, a small little outing, comfortable, nice. She would treat Jaune as he deserved for all the suffering he went through. Some scones with whipped cream and jam, or perhaps with cherries? Yes, that sounded nice.

Weiss would then spot a dollop of cream near his mouth, using it to steal a kiss. That would leave the blonde blindsided, but eager for more from the former heiress. She would coax him into more, slowly going into a make-out session until he would drag her into the nearest alley, _yank_ her panties down and-

Weiss shook her head. She got ahead of herself a little there. True, Jaune Arc changed from goofball dork to hot piece of ass – the latter words from some passing civilian – but that didn't mean she should be taking advantage of him like that! Especially if the rumors floating around were true and someone did see him naked and sporting a weapon that could break her _in half_!

Again, she shook her head. Weiss was still a Schnee! She was the definition of poise and grace and she would gracefully seduce that slab of man and slide down on his longsword with a poise rivaling ballerinas!

Wow, Yang had been a bad influence. Her constant innuendos had evidently corrupted the former heiress.

Disregarding that, Weiss wondered just where Jaune was, since it was already late evening. Sure, he was oftentimes busy shepherding children – a task deemed degrading by some hunters. Yet he had taken to it with grace and a sense of duty. Weiss would bet he found the attention from the mothers of the kids nice, even if they got a bit more aggressive as of late. Perhaps it really was the haircut?

Opinions were divisive in regards to his new hairstyle, courtesy of Nora. Weiss found that the hand of fluffy bananas that was Jaune's hair now had grown on her, whereas Yang decided she found his old mop more endearing. He himself had already decided to let it grow out now. Already Weiss saw him with a lions mane…

As she pondered running her hands through the fluff, the man in her thoughts eluded her. Until, that is, Nora spoke up, nervousness in her voice.

"Guys? Fearless Leader is on the TV."

Weiss turned to the screen and felt her jaw drop. While the banner for "emergency broadcast" was scrolling by, the blonde leader was visible on screen. A clearly topless, mildly disheveled and drunk Jaune Arc was swaying slightly, clutching his scroll with which he was recording and broadcasting to Atlas TV at large. How exactly, she didn't know.

His voice was slurred, but still comprehensible.

"I've come to make an announcement." Somehow, a shudder went through them all, from Yang and Blake, who just joined, to a flabbergasted Ren. There was something in that voice that they didn't hear from the knight since Haven.

"Jacques Schnee is a bitch-ass fuckface."

Now every jaw in the room dropped. Qrow stormed into the room with a massive grin on his face. "Oh, I need to see that!" he laughed.

"I would be calling him a motherfucker, but he would have some difficulty doing that with his pencil dick!" The scroll was swung around a bit, and his words elicited incredulous laughter among some of Weiss' peers.

Elsewhere, Winter Schnee stared at the screen in disbelief.

"You know, I have it on good authority that he practically masturbates over his profit margins and I bet he calls them '**this big**'," the blonde on screen added with a husky finish, letting a shudder run down a Schnee's back at the tone. "And I think that's disgusting," he added, making several viewers and many delighted faunus nod.

"So!" Jaune was squinting at his scroll, managing to look menacing with what he said before. It would have been inconsequential were it not for him insulting the richest man in Remnant. "I managed to gather a lot of evidence of various crimes of 'Gelé' – that's his birth name, by the way." Weiss knew about the name and the crimes, but not of any evidence. The rest of Atlas laughed uproariously, already making jokes at Jacques being "jelly".

Jauen swiveled the camera, his canvas for the art he was creating at that very moment, towards a number of paper stacks, prompting a so far increasingly indignant Schnee patriarch in a hotel room to shatter his complementary glass of Martini. "And here we have it!" The young man slurred again, mumbling the next part. "'M sorry, had too much. Anyway." He sniffed, making Weiss suddenly mind the situation.

Where was he? How is he drunk? Wasn't he supposed to be back already, now that she thought about it? A quick glance on her scroll, checking the compiled schedules startled her. Jaune was supposed to have a day off today; the daycare temporarily closed due to a sudden case of cockroach infestation.

Ah fuck.

"These pages detail everything. Blackmail, prostitutes – no, wait, last one's no felony." People laughed while Weiss stood in shock. The laughter would soon subside.

"Then there's bribery, voter fraud, OSHA violations out the wazoo, branding of faunus...damn, if that isn't just reprehensible..."

Gasps rang out, then bellows of fury against the SDC by humans and faunus alike, both finding such practice barbaric. It almost drowned out the "tax fraud" Jaune tacked on to the string of felonies. Jacques was already on the phone with Ironwood, demanding him to be found and detained. James, predictably, was silently having none of his shit.

"But you know what?" A roguish grin spread on the drunk knight's face. "I decided to go higher." He giggled, making a few eyebrows raise and heads tilt in curiosity. The mothers of the children Jaune shepherded were clinging to the screens and hanging on his every word. The next words out of his mouth would shake Atlas and Mantle.

"That's right!" The camera swiveled around again as Jaune bellowed out in triumph.

"I FUCKED YOUR WIFE!"

Pandemonium erupted. The people were going _absolutely nuts_ in the bars and the streets, in their homes and rooms as Jacques was screaming at a floored Ironwood to 'get that lowlife arrested already.

The attention of the camera itself was directed to a figure lying in bed, undeniably Willow Schnee. Her hair loose and covering one of her eyes along a part of her face which held an expression that read 'fucked stupid'. Various tissues and condoms were lying around her and adorned the nightstand.

"Now here's the thing, Jacques The Cuck- oh wow that rhymed. Coincidence?" he laughed. Said cuck was raging mad as the good general was holding back his laughter. His top specialists had no such reservations, and neither did most of the blonde's friends. "You got 24 hours to get the fuck off the chair as CEO of the SDC to save your dignity, 'cause this whole shit-" The camera went back to the stacks of evidence. "-is on its way to the council. Now get out of my fucking sight!" Back he was with that grin.

"Before I fuck your daughter, too!" With that, Jaune smacked his scroll, ending the broadcast.

Weiss was blushing as the camera turned off. Yang was howling with laughter alongside Qrow and Nora as Ruby was frozen with a mild blush herself. Down in Mantle, quite a few women cursed themselves for being too slow as faunus and humans alike now drank to Jacques Gelé getting some just desserts for being a smug elitist prick.

* * *

"Detain him! I want him arrested!" The ass bellowed, his head red from all the screaming. James answered, calm as could be.

"I'm afraid I can't do that. You should heed his advice, however."

"I am the head of the SDC! I _am_ the SDC! Your precious army will crumble without my generous discounts! I pay taxes and I demand-"

"As I see it," the good general interrupted him. "You do not pay taxes. Why else would Mr Arc have evidence of tax fraud?"

"Manufactured, all of it! It will not hold up!"

"Will it? Already I have reports flooding in of employees of yours, former and otherwise, reporting brandings, beatings and general abuse by your security staff."

Jacques was not pleased. Not at all. "Lies and slander! I will-"

"Do nothing." James was officially done with the petulant rantings of the self-declared man of noble taste. "The council is currently reviewing the evidence and too much of it is adding up."

He saw and heard the mustachioed menace take a deep breath to calm himself. "Then, perhaps, I could interest you to..._ignore_ these slanderous accusations with some offers? More Dust at better prices?"

James stared at the man, slowly seeing him getting a little smug again. Jacqes apparently thought that everyone could be bought.

"No." Just like that, the smugness was wiped away by shock. "The evidence was made public on the ScrollNet. You don't nearly have the money or the resources to make this go away."

Cold sweat was now visible on Gelés forehead. "My troops are en route to detain you. It would be in your best interest not to stack more charges against you," the general declared coolly before cutting the connection. Only then did he allow himself to laugh, for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Outsmarted and outmaneuvered by a drunken young man. You have grown too complacent and arrogant, Jacques, and it has shown itself today."

* * *

Jaune awakened with a splitting headache. He had a vague memory of what happened yesterday. He remembered deciding to gather dirt on Weiss' father to make sure he at least wasn't confirmed by the council as one of theirs, something they still had to do, as was tradition.

The young man remembered trying to sneak in, only to get immediately caught by someone resembling an older and unhappy Weiss. Willow, Weiss' mom, was drowning her sorrows, as per usual with her kind of marriage, when Jaune appeared out of the blue. The two hit it off, to his surprise, had a drink, then two…

He stretched, only to find something obstructing him. Turning his head, he saw the beautiful sleeping face of Willow snuggling into his chest. It made him smile…

He snapped to her again. Willow?! He wanted to scream, but couldn't. No waking up sleeping women, unless it was an emergency. Jaune had no idea how he got-

It rushed back to him. The tow sharing laughs, her unveiling mountains of evidence to him, Jaune calling her foxy, Willow getting flirty, Jaune getting seduced and then proceeding to bang her on every piece of furniture in that bedroom.

Wow, that escalated quickly.

On the plus side, it was _amazing_. Though Weiss should never know that-

"Ah, you're awake."

The voice had Jaune startled again, his head pivoting to it next. There stood Winter Schnee, as immaculate as ever. Her calm was surprising him as he was currently naked in bed with her mother! Her mother who had no right to be that sexy at that age…

'_Stop that, brain!_'

"Hi? Nice morning, is it?" Jaune was scared, but tried to downplay it with what he thought to be casual talk. Judging by the stony expression on her face, it didn't quite work.

"In a way," was the nondescript reply. "I was assigned here as security detail by General Ironwood."

"Security?"

"Witness protection," she clarified. "The general surmised that you would be in danger of reprisal by my father or his closest associates." She then leaned forward a little, her eyes narrowing. "I have seen the broadcast last night."

"What broadcast?" He didn't remember a thing after a certain point, which included making Willow scream. Winter sighed in reply, muttering something along the lines of "of course he has a blackout".

Then she laid it all out. Or rather, she showed him a recording on ScrollTube.

A few million views. It was already a meme. Jaune was so very fucked, and not in the fun way.

"Oh no."

"Quite."

A particular part of the video had Jaune blushing wildly; the insinuation probably making things awkward with Weiss again. Though…

"How did I even end up on public broadcast?"

The answer was pointed out by Winter, quite literally. A finger jabbed towards a mess of cables, connected to a mass of computer screens. "You effectively used the frequency for an emergency broadcast for your announcement."

Jaune facepalmed. "I'm in so much trouble."

"I can not disagree with that." The specialist stared at him, her expression unreadable. "By the way, you didn't specify which of my fathers daughters you intended to defile."

In that very moment, Jaune knew he was on thin ice. "Um..." He hesitated, understandably. "Can I not clarify? Since, you know, blackout?"

Her answer to him was a huff before turning around. "I will go guard the perimeter. And, for security's sake, it would make sense to...hold on."

His scroll was grabbed, hers was taken out of a satchel on the side of her hips and something was done there that Jaune couldn't see. He also couldn't move in fear of waking the sleeping Willow.

Winter turned around to him, laying down the scroll on the nightstand. It was then that Jaune noticed far too many condoms - _filled_ condoms on there.

Wow.

"My contact data has been registered," the specialist, now effectively his bodyguard, stated before stepping back a little to look him square in the eye. "I count on you not intending to defile my sister."

"Nope," Jaune said immediately while being intimidated. "Not me, nuh uh, she doesn't even have an interest in me, no problem there."

Weiss' sister nodded and bade him good day. "I suggest you get dressed after showering," she suggested. The knights gaze was drawn to her hips, as they seemed to sway just a bit more than they ought to. It drew an involuntary reaction from him, then again it _was_ morning, so he could.

"Hmm~" A new can of worms was opened with that sound, for Willow Schnee had awoken just in time to notice his boner.

"Oh my," she purred, her alcoholism not hampering her allure in the slightest. How Jacques wasn't attracted to her was a mystery. Then again…

Her hand grabbed the young lover's dick and him out of his brief reverie. "All for me?" she purred. "I take it you're up for some more rounds, stud?"

He was, even if he was so very confused right now.

* * *

**I'm fairly certain the prostitutes had to dress up as accountants to read him his profit margins.**


End file.
